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Last Updated
04/28/2010

Humour

If you love a good joke, this is the place for you.
Read on for some great laughs.


Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.

1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call, prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into columns-five across and five down. That will give you 25 one-inch blocks.

2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
* synergy
* strategic fit
* core competencies
* best practice
* bottom line
* revisit
* take that off-line
* 24/7
* out of the loop
* benchmark
* value-added
* proactive
* win-win
* think outside the box
* fast track
* result-driven
* empower (or empowerment)
* knowledge base
* at the end of the day
* touch base
* mindset
* client focus(ed)
* paradigm
* game plan
* leverage

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"


Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that was going on inside himself. He said, "My son, it is between 2 wolves. One is evil: Anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego...

"The other is good: Joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith..."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one I feed."

-- Author Unknown

Thanks to Paulette Glor for passing this wisdom along to The Innovation Journal


A bit of wisdom....

"I am always doing what I cannot do yet in order to learn how to do it."

-Vincent Van Gogh


Can Economics Be Funny?


Looking for a light moment?


Check out this letter of rejection from the Smithsonian.


What did the fish say when it slammed into a cement wall?
Answer


Quasiturbine application : A new atomic element discovered !

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles, called peons. Since it has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

According to the discoverers, a minute amount of the called "Administratium" causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass."

This element has been used extensively and with great succes in Canada, to slow-down the progress of the Quasiturbine technology !

Ref: http://quasiturbine.promci.qc.ca (humour of course !)

From: Saint-Hilaire


To: The Citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a President and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence. Effective today, Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, for the 97.5% of you who have heretofore been unaware that there is a world beyond your borders) will soon appoint a former Canadian Governor-General as Minister for American Affairs without the need for further elections, recounts or court decisions.

The House of Representatives, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the various state governors, legislatures and courts will be immediately disbanded. A questionnaire will be distributed in one year to determine if any of you noticed.

To aid in your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced and will have immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. While you are at it, look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you must raise your vocabulary to a civilized level.

2. Look up "vocabulary". Be advised that using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noices such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable form of communication. Be advised as well, that saying "duh" does not amount to trenchant critical commentary. Similarly, saying "awesome" is an inadequate way to express approval. Also, the verb "to go" is not a synonym for the verb "to say". Look up
"interspersed".

3. Be advised that there is no such thing as "US English." We will advise Microsoft on your behalf.

4. Learn to distinguish among the accents of people from Australia, New Zealand, Canada, Scotland and at least four different communities in England (Yorkshire, Liverpool, Cockney and BBC are recommended).

5. Henceforward, Hollywood will occasionally cast English actors as the good guys.

6. Learn your original national anthem, "God Save the Queen," but only after carrying out Rule # 1 (we would not want you to get confused and quit half way through).

7. Stop playing "American football." Instead, play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you who are brave enough may, in time, be allowed to play rugby, rugger or Australian Rules football. But beware, you will not be allowed to ward off tackles by sticking up your hand and lisping "fair catch," nor will you be permitted to stop for a rest every twenty seconds, nor may you indulge in the wearing of full body armour like the nancies you are.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but it will be celebrated only in the United Kingdom and the Dominions. It will be called "Indecision Day".

9. All American automobiles are hereby banned. It is for your own good. American vehicles are crap. When we show you German, Swedish and some of the more expensive Italian and British automobiles, you will understand what we mean

10. Please tell us who really shot J.F.K. It has been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your attention.


A Sad Day
(some culturally based humour)

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of
celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. As long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he even still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.


Liberal Arts Major...
Will Think For Money
Growing Old is Inevitable; Growing Up is Optional
Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
Often Wrong...Never In Doubt
If At First You Don't Succeed, Skydiving Isn't For You
Old Age Comes at a Bad Time
First Things First, but Not Necessarily in That Order.


A little Holiday cheer!

'Twas the Night Before Christmas- Written by the Government


The Anagram:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

The answer:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."


There's more truth to this than we realize... What have we become???

13 Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the 90s

1. You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3. You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
5. You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8. You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9. Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.
10. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
11. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone IS home.


"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?"


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And...

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.

7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.

Source: Innovative Management Network


THE OI VEY WAVE

by Tom Walker

It has long been agreed by economists that (all other things being equal) a reduction in the hours of work per worker will lead to an increase in the hourly cost of labour. This is because of the importance that per-worker fixed costs play in determining modern labour costs. Economist Walter Oi presented the seminal theoretical discussion of this phenomenon in a 1962 paper, "Labor as a Quasi-fixed Factor".

That's the thesis, anyway. Now for the antithesis: the fixed component of labour costs rises _and falls_ cyclically over long periods. If we call the rising phase of the cycle an "Oi", in deference to Walter Oi, isn't it only fitting that we call the falling phase of the cycle a "vey"?

Although the above may sound like obscure academic theorizing, it has some pretty amazing implications for the real world. The Oi vey wave could well explain the "long wave" cycle of alternating periods of prosperity and retrenchment first identified by Dutch economists around the turn of the century and widely associated with the name of the Russian economist, Kondratieff.

The Oi phase would correspond with the fat years and the vey with the lean. If the world economy has just suffered through a quarter century of vey, it may well be posed on the brink of an Oi upswing. Happy days are (almost) here again!

But wait. There's a synthesis. It's possible that the alternation of Oi and vey phases may reflect the strategies that management uses to adapt to the labour cost structure of the prevailing phase.

Towards the end of the Oi phase, for example, management begins to experiment with "un-Oiing" strategies to cut labour costs. Because such strategies can only be implemented incrementally, over time they become habits. Eventually these un-Oiing habits come to be seen as first principles of management.

Corporate executives are hailed, not for their bold vision, but simply for possessing the venerated un-Oiing habits. These un-Oiing executives are the types who would spend a dollar to save a dime. But no matter -- they can point to past precedent to justify their ways like old generals pointing to the last war to justify their preparations for the next one.

Without putting too fine a point on the data crunching, it is possible to name exactly when the (un-Oiing) vey phase of the wave crested (troughed?). That would be when it became obligatory for stock prices to rise in response to an announcement of layoffs. Most stock market players are like vultures -- they swoop after the meat is dead.

HOW TO PROFIT FROM THE COMING OI PHASE

The driving principle of the Oi phase is providence. The formula for success in the coming period is simple:

generous = profit
stingy = loss

For the more technically-minded, the way for companies to take advantage of the new labour cost structure of the vey phase is to substantially reduce the hours of work for highly-paid "core workers" and to aggressively expand employment.

Employers with the wisdom to offer free time as a benefit to their highly skilled, experienced work force and to recruit, train and promote young workers will reap the dividends of a new Jubilee. Corporate downsizers will inherit the wind. You can bank on it.


A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"The body consists of three parts - the branium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off.

The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."


Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."

Death to all fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Don't be sexist; broads hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.

Beware of geeks bearing gifts.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!

What's green and only comes out in the summer? Paddy O'Furniture.

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp.

PHILOSOPHIES

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

And finally....
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you!


We envision to enthusiastically foster high-payoff information so that we may authoritatively customize unique deliverables while promoting personal employee growth.

Forecasting is like trying to drive a car blindfolded and following directions given by a person who is looking out of the back window

(Anonymous)


Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

(Kierkegaard)


Art is a lie that helps us see the truth. (Picasso)


When we gather information from the world, we contribute to its entropy and hence its unknowability. (Otto Rossler)